Friday, January 17, 2014

What NOT to say (and what to say instead)

I think the vast majority of people, most of the time, really have the best intentions when they respond to a parent who has just experienced a loss, or whose child is facing major, even life-threatening medical hurdles. It is not an easy situation to automatically respond to in a helpful manner. What do you say? How do you express your sympathy gently and sincerely? Especially men may feel like just being sympathetic, and listening, is not enough - what can they do to "fix" or at least improve the situation?

Sometimes, in the transfer of sympathy from the heart to the mouth, something goes awry and we end up putting our foot in our mouth in a major way. Of course, an insensitive comment is, well, an insensitive comment, and that at a time when the recipient of it is least willing and able to deal with it.

Assuming you are trying to be an encouragement and a blessing rather than a source of more grief, here are just some things you should never say in this situation:

- It could be worse

Thank you for stating the obvious. I suppose any situation could always be worse. How would you feel if one of your children died tragically, and someone tried to console you by telling you that hey, all your kids could be dead, right? Yes, things could be worse - but that doesn't mean this situation isn't tragic in and of itself.

- You should be thankful

Being thankful, and grieving, are not mutually exclusive. In fact, if we truly are thankful for something, we will be sad about losing it to the extent to which it was dear to us. If my husband gives me a gift that I treasure and appreciate, and it is somehow lost or broken, I will feel that loss. How much more so the eternal soul of a child, God's greatest gift to us on this earth? To insinuate that a parent who grieves is failing to be thankful for other blessings in their lives is insulting. It is possible to grieve a loss, while fully realizing blessings in other areas, and even in the tragedy itself.

- I just *know* everything will be fine

Unless you are God, you really don't know, so please stop going around dispensing such false hopes. Especially, if it is followed by something like "because you are such an awesome Christian/parent/etc., because you eat healthy/exercise/etc., because [fill in the blank]." This adds a whole new layer of guilt - it implies that if things go wrong (and they very well might), it's because the parent somehow failed as a Christian/parent/in their diet/exercise/fill in the blank.

Job's friends basically told him the same thing - that bad things only happen to bad people. I completely understand why he called them "miserable comforters."

- Whatever happens, happens

If you want to come across as callous, and someone never to call on with prayer needs, this is the line for you. God's will can be greatly influenced through prayer. Whatever happens may not happen, since the Bible is clear to tell us that "the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

And, my favorite this time around:

- So, you're not still trying to have a home birth, are you??!?

Birth? What birth are you talking about? You mean the one months and months down the road, after we clear dozens more life-threatening complications? I think if we make it that far, I wouldn't care if they had to take the baby out through my head. I am not thinking about birth, I am thinking about keeping the baby alive, today.

Maybe your clue could have been the fact that we have gone to medical extremes to save the life of our unborn children. So clearly, if and when necessary (which would be very rare), we are more than ready and willing to take whatever measures are available. Rest assured, nobody loves, and cares about, our children more than we do. Because of this, we will choose the safest route for birth, as we have with all of our children.

And whatever you say, please be sure to never say any of these:

- Well, you already have so many children

Like that means we somehow love them less as individuals - what's one more or less?

- You should start using birth control

In other words, if this child had never existed, you never would have had any problems to begin with. I will assume you are only willing to have children if you knew they would not cause you any pain, suffering, or other discomfort.

And, how naive of you to think that tragedy never strikes firstborn or only children.

- So, you really think this child is in Heaven now? 

I actually had a Christian ask me this after they found out about a miscarriage early in our marriage. If you fail to understand or believe this simple Bible truth, at least just keep your mouth shut. What comfort are your words to those hurting parents?

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I could go on, and I am sure my readers could add much more to the list from their own experiences, but I will leave it at that for now.

Instead, here are some things that would be appropriate to say in any situation. 

- I am so sorry.

- I will be praying for you.

- How are you doing?

- I have been thinking about you.

- Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. 

- You will get through this, somehow, with God's help.

And then, there really isn't a need to say much else besides. The person you are talking to may feel comfortable in sharing more of their heart with you, or they may not, but by being sensitive you won't have made it onto their "not a safe person to talk to" list.